What my Mother Taught me

Mothers are a strange breed indeed. They love us,they nurture us and they never let us forget it. Here are some things that my mother taught me

She taught me about death and cleanliness:
"If you're going to kill each other do it outside, i just finished cleaning"

She taught me religion:
"You had better pray that spill will come out of the carpet"

She taught me logic:
"Because i said so, that's why"

She taught me Contortionism:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck"

She taught me stamina:
"You will sit there until that spinach is finished"

She taught me about the circle of life:
""I brought you into this world, i can take you out"

She taught me about behavior modification:
"Stop acting like your father"


I owe a lot to my Mother, and i am sure so do you!

Monday Day Waste

Just sitting around and something came to me. Somethings the average guy never say's. So here are 10 things you will probably never hear me say.

Hey Bud! Is my ass too big?

Here Honey you use the remote

You know that stripper was cute, but, her breasts are too big

Ooh! Antonio Bandderis and Brad Pitt: That is one movie I have to go see

While I'm up can I get you anything?

Sex Isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held

Awww, forget the Leaf game, Let's watch DR. Phil

Hey! Let me hold your purse while you try that dress on

How come we don't go dancing anymore

Beer! No thanks just give me a Pepsi

Blast from the Past.

(Sitting on a) Poor Man's Throne-Copperpenny

[via FoxyTunes / Copperpenny]

I remember seeing these guys at the Coronet. Wonder where they are now?

My Human gives me the blues

First let me introduce myself, my name is Sir Duke and i am a dog, a Shed Tzu to be exact and while i am waiting for one of my humans to come home from work i thought i would tell you a story. Now you may be wondering how i am writing this, well we dog's are not as stupid as some people think, i mean after all you humans do feed us and walk us when we need it and what is it with that baby talk,brrr that is scary. I am sitting here just waiting, i have rearranged the furniture twice and put it back, just slightly off so the humans will think they are seeing things. When i go for a walk it is a strange experience every time ,i mean there is always something new to see and smell. oh and pee on. I enjoy making the male human wait for me while i find the right place for a dump, and i always make sure it is far enough away from him so he has to walk to stoop and scoop. Chasing the ducks and geese on the water is fun, but i will let you in on a secret.they know i am coming and we play this game to just amuse you humans. And when another dog shows up we get to smell each other, at least that is what you think we are doing, in reality we are getting messages from the mothership,ahh got cha, no really we do like to smell each others butts, believe you me they are better smelling than my male humans gas in the morning after he has been out drinking the night before, ugggh. And do you wonder what we are doing digging holes? They are, no i think that is one secret i had better not tell. And of course the jumping up and down and seemingly happy to see you routine, well that is usually a distraction so the other dog's that are partying with us have a chance to slip out the window with out being seen. Now about naming us, how bad or hard is it to come up with real good names like stryker, the barkman,louscious,joaguin. No we get names like barky,lucky,ralph,scooter good god humans use your imagination i mean just look at my name, Sir Duke ,what the hell were they thinking, or smoking for that matter, i guess it could have been worse they could have called me poochie. By the way my dog only name is Star wanderer, that's right we have names that only other dogs know and our woofing as you hear it is really an advanced form of communication. If one of those two humans don't get home soon though i may have to leave a little present in the living room for them. Oh i hear the key in the door so i had better put this cigarette out finish this beer and get ready to drag him out into this cold and rain, and do you know what i am going to do? After dumping and peeing i am going to pretend to hurt my paw and make him carry me home, yuk yuk. O.K. i am going so i will talk to you all again when i have more storys to tell. Chow all.

Why i do this

To my Dad a good joke or story was as important to life as food or drink. He loved to tell story’s and to have a good time, and he had many a good time. Many people say i have a warped sense of humor and can pull a story out of anything, but in comparison to my old man i am just a novice. I saw him laugh at a John Wayne movie, i saw him bust a gut watching Harvey Korman and Tim Conway perform a routine on the Carol Burnett show. He could repeat jokes from the likes of Lenny Bruce to Richard Pryor and to him humor had no boundaries.
And the story’s and thoughts he would come out with were classics, but to me they were as new as the rain or snow that fell outside. Sure they were probably stolen from someone else or from a book he had read but the way he told them made them his. I have learned many one liners, jokes, groaners and weird thoughts on life from my Dad and while they are not always funny to everyone, they are at least interesting and would leave his party guests snickering under their breath. But is that not what life is about? Keeping your friends and acquaintances laughing and thinking all at the same time? Even as he was dying he kept a sense of humor, he pulled me over to his side and indicated that he needed to say something to me and as i got closer to his mouth he whispered” get off my air hose you arsehole”. I could only laugh and i am sure my family thought i was nuts, but i know that everytime i write a story or post a stream of weird thoughts he is laughing and telling anybody that is near him up above ” I taught him everything he knows, and he still doesn’t know anything”

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My Jukebox

Rush - Fly By Night

[via FoxyTunes / Rush]

Some people consider Rush to be Canada's greatest Rock band.

Old Hits for new Times

Some of the artists of the 60's are
revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging
baby boomers.

 

They include:

Bobby
Darin ---
Splish, Splash,
I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's
Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown,
You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo
Starr ---
I Get By With a
Little Help From Depends.


The Bee
Gees -- -
How Can You
Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta
Flack---
The First Time
Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny
Nash ---
I Can't
See Clearly Now.

Paul
Simon---
Fifty Ways to
Lose Your Liver.

The
Commodores ---
Once, Twice,
Three
Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin
Gaye ---
Heard It
Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol
Harem---
A Whiter Shade
of Hair.

Leo
Sayer ---
You Make Me
Feel Like Napping.

The
Temptations ---
Papa's Got a
Kidney Stone.

Abba---

Denture
Queen.

Tony
Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times
On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
 

Helen
Reddy --- I Am
Woman, Hear Me Snore.

 

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

 

And Last but NOT least:

Willie
Nelson --- On the Commode
Again
.

Interesting stuff i think.

---

When Downtown was the place

This is from the glory years of the Hespeler Downtown. Many different types of stores, from a bookstore to coffee shops to a 5 and dime store, clothing stores. We had it all, where did it go. I guess the advent of the malls did destroy the downtowns.

Give me back my Klacker

In the spring of 1968 i fell in love. Not with a girl or a dog but with a toy. The KLACKER to be precise. What is a klacker you ask, well let me tell you, it was a magnificent piece of weaponry, 2 acrylic balls attached to a sturdy workman like piece of string that when banged together could drive a parent crazy, and i had to just have one. A light blue transparent one at that.
Some scrawny kid like me could own one of these, jump over a 6 foot high fence and smoke the local bully. Yeah, that was going to be me. Jack, the neighborhood tough guy wouldn’t get the best of me anymore. That psychopathic grin would get wiped off his face really quick and than i would dance over his fallen body like David over Goliath, oh yeah, that 11 year old 130 lb walking jelly bowl was going down. Or so i thought. As i gathered my nerve and as my friends waited timidly around the corner i approached the lug and started to stare him down, he didn’t flinch, i approached a little bit more slinging my klackers like like a gunslinger in the old west and then it happened, he pulled a giant slingshot out of his overalls and started to fire spitballs at me. One by one they stung me and drove me back to cover behind the closest garbage pail and there i waited for the cavalry to arrive but realized that the Cavalry had run for cover as well and vanished into the school and the safety of the Nuns leaving me alone to face Jack one on one. It seemed like i was there for over an hour[probably just about a minute] when i got my courage up, got the klackers swinging good and rose,ready to face my final moments, i came flying out from behind that garbage can and ran smack into the body of Sister Aloysius, all 6 feet and 150 lbs of her. I went down like a rock ,my klackers flying out of my hands and landing at her feet, her evil grin even made the bully Jack cringe, and she had me at her mercy, and Jack was standing behind her grinning that psychopathic grin of his. I was doomed.
I wound up with a detention and had my Klackers taken away for 3 days, a punishment that seemed worse than death, and while i eventually got over that moment, the tension between Jack and i never cleared up but we stayed away from each other from then on. For me A moral victory and 3 day’s later i got my klackers back. All was well again.
And i wonder, did anybody ever get Jack? Did they get away or did Jack get revenge? And i wonder where Jack went? Is he living now on a chain gang in Alabama somewhere breaking rocks with his fists and dancing with a good ole boy named Bubba? One can only dream.

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Playfair Bowl

Man i miss having a bowling alley in town. I remember Wednesday nights my dad would go bowling and on Thursday morning there was always a chocolate bar on the table for us kids.